UTAH!!!! note 8...April 14th 2009

So i have taken a little bit of a break since my last note but here we go. If i would have known when i moved to utah after being in Italy that the next 3 and a half years would have brought so much rejection and disappointment i think i would have ran so fast and hid away for all these years. BUT i am glad that i did not know because i would have missed out on so many great people and so many great lessons. So i moved to utah into an apartment not knowing anyone but a girl i had met in Italy so i was completly starting from scratch. I have been blessed with the ability to make friends fairly easy so i was not too worried about the fact that i was alone. My new place was great. I met alot of fun people and was on my way to being social. Well in comes the first try after coming to Utah. Let's just call him Mr. Nurse. i mean for lack of a better word that is just what he was. I would have never thought that i would have been attracted to a man nurse but there i was. I think the majority of the reason i was so drawn to him is because just like me he had lived in Italy too once before so we understood that in eachother.He was nice and cute but now that i really think about it HE didn't care that much about me at all. We "hung out" alot but never actually went on a date (LADIES - first sign that he is just NOT that into you) but i kept holding on to the idea. When he became better friends with another girl we knew it irritated me beyond belief, like i wasn't good enough to be that close to him. So eventually he just continued to hurt my feelings, ignoring me without a reason and stopped saying nice things. SO that obviously ended. HE finally moved away and today i hear is happily married in Texas. Good for him. His roommate did end up asking me on a real date and we did go and i actually really enjoyed myself. He and i hung out several times and i really did like him but it kinda faded. i guess neither of us had the energy or desire to make anything happen.But he definitly was the sweeter of both those 2. When i came to Utah i had the idea in my head that anything could happen. There would be thousands to choose from and people told me it would not take long for me to find the one to steal my heart forever (HA HA HA) little did i know 3 and a half years later in UTah i would be sitting here writing this still single. But as i reflect on my experiences in the the great state of Utah i DO NOT regret one minute of it. Even the hard expereinces or little heart breaks. I have made friends in Utah that i could never ever replace and i have had roommates stand behind me, never failing me when i needed them most. So though i have been through mounds of hurt (which honestly have not been that big of deal) i have learned that friendship has become the most important thing to me.Finding those true and honest people that will stick through all of this heartbreaks and walk out of them with me on the other side. Thank goodness for those girls that i have known who have sat up for hours with me and talked me through my tears and made me laugh again and see that OBVIOUSLY there is someone else better than that person that is being prepared for me. Living single for so many years has not been easy but im thinking of i can do it than ANYONE else can too. in the middle of our trails we like to cry and complain but when we come out of something we have been hurting from i think that most of the time we are grateful for that.I am a strong woman because of these small disappointments and i would not be able to handle what i am handling today if i had not been prepared in these previous years. so i continued forward. NEXT was what i was thinking. while watching ans waiting i came across one. Let's call HIM MR. CLASSY because OHHHH he was. HE was so kind hearted and innocent :) He drove a very nice car, came from a nice background and was just so mature. but also sooo much younger than i was. AT first i had a hard time with that but eventually i got over it because i couldn't believe how nice he was. He cared about others and served and was funny and laughed at me. He was shy but i didn't mind.i mean goodness we even folded our clothes in our drawers the same way. ha ha.My roommates and i hung out at his place several times with him and his roommates and we all became great friends. i secretly just thought he was the greatest thing. I guess it eventually leaked out and people found out. He probably knew as well but i didn't care. He never ever asked me on a date and in my mind i made excuses for why he didn't not really ever excepting the fact that he just was not into me that way. i remember being so into him that on his birthday i actually wrote him a song. A real song. I wrote lyrics, had someone help me with the piano piece and i sang and recorded it in a studio. I gave it to him for his birthday confessing everything that i had felt. OF coarse he was so grateful for that gesture but it did not change the fact that he was just not that into me. eventually one day i remembered irritating him so bad that he called me a less than attractive name in front of all of our friends. i remember walking home that night, going to bed and waking up the next morning feeling absolutly FREE of that feeling of wanting him. I mean it was actually over night. I never loved him or felt heart break. it was over and now today though he lives thousands of miles away we are still great friends. It was like my crush for him never existed. I have to say that i am SO SO grateful for the fact that he did call me a name and i did wake up the next day free from being tied down with that desire. because that freedom opened me up to several more men that i have come in contact that have no doubt changed my life as well. Now when i think back on that experience with MR. CLassy i just laugh because i wonder what was i thinking. I mean he is amazing but definilty not a fit for me. I mean i KNOW what a fit for me is now. MR. forever definitly fits me like i want him to. SO through these 2 first experiences back in Utah i learned alot and though i was far from finding "the one" i didnt know that so i went forward.....