IT HAS BEEN FOREVER

wow....I actually have not taken the time to write anything down for a long time. A few months ago i was letting a guy ready what i have written and he called me bitter. That word stung so bad that i decided to put down my writing pen for a really long time.DO NOT EVER DO THAT. how could i have let someone (especially a guy) impede me from writing my feelings down and sharing with everyone what i feel to be important to me?

OK OK so i am over that. I would like to start out by saying that i have learned a lot. I am not nearly as smart as most but i know that i have come a long way from NOTE #1 and for that i am grateful. In between the last note and to now i have come across a lot of great men that have helped me to become better, NOT BITTER, but i have also come across those that have shocked me and made me laugh for lack of manners that they had.

I will have to go back still a few years to pick up where i left off. When i got over Mr. Classy i changed my view to his roommate, and that was convenient. We can call him Mr. CNN. He was intelligent and happy and mysterious. He watched the news all the time and he was informed of things in the world.He owned his own business and it intrigued me to see what he could do. I remember going to the gym with him often that summer and he inspired me to be a better person.I felt a peace in him that was not very common and i was drawn to that. I never told him how i felt (atleast i don't remember telling him) but of course everyone could see it. He never responded to that but they rarely did(haha) I am still grateful today for the laughter and peace brought into my life and i know that he is happily married now in California.

There were some here and there in between all of that and i am sure i was affected by those but in smaller ways. I have had countless first and second dates that could make it into my writing and some will. It has all been an experience worth laughing about and i look forward to sharing my stories to all.

I want to state that i do not write these stories to embarrass anyone or make fun ( although i have no problem making fun of myself) I do this to share my story. Some may feel they can relate and some just may find humor it these stories but all along i have always gained something.

The middle matters most...november 28th 2009

You woudn't put 2 pieces of bread together and eat them, you wouldn't go watch a football game and show up at the end, you wouldn't put a movie in and forward it to the last scene and you wouldn't read a book starting at the last chapter. But i do that all the time and that is just stupid.It is the middle that matters the most and so it is with life. It seems to me, i have been a forwarder, wanting to skip all those middles , just to find out the end. Maybe i tried middles for awhile and didn't like the experience so i just decided to skip it all. I love trails. I'll say it again, I love trials.though some may laugh at what i consider to be a trial, they are real to me.But the reality is, i am surrounded by more blessings than i could ever count. If i have tagged you in this story it may because you are referenced or just simply because i wanted you to hear what i have to say. The other day a friend told me that i want to skip the middle and find out what the end is without the experience. I thought about that and it is true! I am sure i am not the only one but so many times we don't want to risk the middle and want to save our bruised hearts from fear of an ending we don't want to experience. I wonder how many opportunities i have missed because i was whining like a baby because i didn't want to experience the middle.My mind goes so fast and slowing down has never been an option for me, but why can't it be? I love love love the examples i have in my life. I have a circle of good girlfriends in my life, and i love sitting with them and chatting and laughing about the mysteries of a man. I have always found it humorous that women are always blamed for being mysterious and aloof, when i think maybe men are the leaders of the pack (haha).It is simply the GAME and you have a choice. You can play or don't have to but it is a game regardless and if you want any exciting middle you have to play it. I shouldn't go through life playing the game with half of my heart. Half is for wimps. The entire heart has to be checked into the game or i'm gonna get benched. The sidelines are boring. The more you play the higher the risk you will have to get hurt but then at the end of the game you are strongest :)So, i am like a leader. I will hold my girls hands, as we run up and down the field and let some hands go as they find the one to settle the game for them.You win and you lose, but even when you lose you can still be part of the game again.You keep playing, because the excitement isn't just at the end when you win but it is mostly about "the middle." DURING the game is when the best experience happens. The game isn't really over until we die and even at that we just start playing a new kind of game.While i am asking a million "what if's" i am losing my time to play the game. While i am complaining i am missing passes and chances.Guess what, i am a woman and with that package comes emotion (haha) but so does forgiveness, laughter and a few of my pleasant little tricks :) so it is time to put up or shut up huh.Sistas, he is playing the game too so Jump in, take a deep breath and have a good time.And for those of you who have been playing the game and succeeded rock on.Thanks for the example. Enjoy the middle because it matters most.

UTAH!!!! note 8...April 14th 2009

So i have taken a little bit of a break since my last note but here we go. If i would have known when i moved to utah after being in Italy that the next 3 and a half years would have brought so much rejection and disappointment i think i would have ran so fast and hid away for all these years. BUT i am glad that i did not know because i would have missed out on so many great people and so many great lessons. So i moved to utah into an apartment not knowing anyone but a girl i had met in Italy so i was completly starting from scratch. I have been blessed with the ability to make friends fairly easy so i was not too worried about the fact that i was alone. My new place was great. I met alot of fun people and was on my way to being social. Well in comes the first try after coming to Utah. Let's just call him Mr. Nurse. i mean for lack of a better word that is just what he was. I would have never thought that i would have been attracted to a man nurse but there i was. I think the majority of the reason i was so drawn to him is because just like me he had lived in Italy too once before so we understood that in eachother.He was nice and cute but now that i really think about it HE didn't care that much about me at all. We "hung out" alot but never actually went on a date (LADIES - first sign that he is just NOT that into you) but i kept holding on to the idea. When he became better friends with another girl we knew it irritated me beyond belief, like i wasn't good enough to be that close to him. So eventually he just continued to hurt my feelings, ignoring me without a reason and stopped saying nice things. SO that obviously ended. HE finally moved away and today i hear is happily married in Texas. Good for him. His roommate did end up asking me on a real date and we did go and i actually really enjoyed myself. He and i hung out several times and i really did like him but it kinda faded. i guess neither of us had the energy or desire to make anything happen.But he definitly was the sweeter of both those 2. When i came to Utah i had the idea in my head that anything could happen. There would be thousands to choose from and people told me it would not take long for me to find the one to steal my heart forever (HA HA HA) little did i know 3 and a half years later in UTah i would be sitting here writing this still single. But as i reflect on my experiences in the the great state of Utah i DO NOT regret one minute of it. Even the hard expereinces or little heart breaks. I have made friends in Utah that i could never ever replace and i have had roommates stand behind me, never failing me when i needed them most. So though i have been through mounds of hurt (which honestly have not been that big of deal) i have learned that friendship has become the most important thing to me.Finding those true and honest people that will stick through all of this heartbreaks and walk out of them with me on the other side. Thank goodness for those girls that i have known who have sat up for hours with me and talked me through my tears and made me laugh again and see that OBVIOUSLY there is someone else better than that person that is being prepared for me. Living single for so many years has not been easy but im thinking of i can do it than ANYONE else can too. in the middle of our trails we like to cry and complain but when we come out of something we have been hurting from i think that most of the time we are grateful for that.I am a strong woman because of these small disappointments and i would not be able to handle what i am handling today if i had not been prepared in these previous years. so i continued forward. NEXT was what i was thinking. while watching ans waiting i came across one. Let's call HIM MR. CLASSY because OHHHH he was. HE was so kind hearted and innocent :) He drove a very nice car, came from a nice background and was just so mature. but also sooo much younger than i was. AT first i had a hard time with that but eventually i got over it because i couldn't believe how nice he was. He cared about others and served and was funny and laughed at me. He was shy but i didn't mind.i mean goodness we even folded our clothes in our drawers the same way. ha ha.My roommates and i hung out at his place several times with him and his roommates and we all became great friends. i secretly just thought he was the greatest thing. I guess it eventually leaked out and people found out. He probably knew as well but i didn't care. He never ever asked me on a date and in my mind i made excuses for why he didn't not really ever excepting the fact that he just was not into me that way. i remember being so into him that on his birthday i actually wrote him a song. A real song. I wrote lyrics, had someone help me with the piano piece and i sang and recorded it in a studio. I gave it to him for his birthday confessing everything that i had felt. OF coarse he was so grateful for that gesture but it did not change the fact that he was just not that into me. eventually one day i remembered irritating him so bad that he called me a less than attractive name in front of all of our friends. i remember walking home that night, going to bed and waking up the next morning feeling absolutly FREE of that feeling of wanting him. I mean it was actually over night. I never loved him or felt heart break. it was over and now today though he lives thousands of miles away we are still great friends. It was like my crush for him never existed. I have to say that i am SO SO grateful for the fact that he did call me a name and i did wake up the next day free from being tied down with that desire. because that freedom opened me up to several more men that i have come in contact that have no doubt changed my life as well. Now when i think back on that experience with MR. CLassy i just laugh because i wonder what was i thinking. I mean he is amazing but definilty not a fit for me. I mean i KNOW what a fit for me is now. MR. forever definitly fits me like i want him to. SO through these 2 first experiences back in Utah i learned alot and though i was far from finding "the one" i didnt know that so i went forward.....

Back in America...note 7..March 26th 2009

While i was in Italy i turned the beautiful age of 25 so when i returned to America i felt like i was plenty old enough to start looking for someone to get serious with. With my heart full of love i was open to it. WELL...along comes Mr. Player. At the time i didn't know that is what i would end up calling him, believe me. If that would have been the case i would have just skipped right over him. HE live on the border of kentucky and Tennessee, far enough away to still have his own life but still be a part of mine. I had met him once before my trip to Italy because someone felt we had so much in common since he had lived in Italy once as well. HA, well that turned out to be about the only thing we both had to share. So here we are again "reintroduced". We started spendind time together and not long after my return to America he was asking for me to be his girlfriend. Though i had always felt that "Wrong" feeling i still spent time with him. I could never really fully commit but we can all understand why in minute. HE moved very quickly for whatever reason. I just politely kept putting him off and kept waiting for that feeling but still i felt a bad one. sothere we were from December thru around March or April. There was one day in there when i got a sudden rush of emotion and told him i wanted to be with him. That was weird but eventually it just faded out.THANK GOODNESS. Later i found out that he had dated my sister while i was gone in Italy and was dating my friend (and later roommate) the same time as me. Eventually even after all that i found out he enjoyed looking at pictures that none of us should ever see......BUT ANYWAY. I guess he thought he could get away with all that being an hour drive away frome me. No wonder i always had that nagging feeling inside to not go forward. He was getting around to everyone! Thus his name....Mr. player. Needless to say i didnt feel one bit of heartache with him when it didn't work out, maybe just a bit of irritation for wasting my time. MY lesson learned was to listen that feeling you get that pulls inside of you. It will ALWAYS be right. My first job after i returned to America was at a Bank. It was a fun job and for some reason i had lots of fun opportunities there. For some reason i had guys coming to the bank to bring me things frequently. Seriously, one brought me flowers, another invited me to a Destiny's Child concert (which was awesome...ha ha) another bought me a purse (i know random) and a couple took me out to lunch and dinner. Maybe it was just that i was really nice. Honestly i had no idea why. I promise i wasn't adding any extra cash into their accounts! ha ha.....IT was all fun but i knew deep down that none of them had what i was looking for . There WAS one at the bank who captured my attention for a bit. HE was actually the manager of the bank and though it was forbidden to date anyone at work we found time to secretly become involved. I had never dated anyone like him before. HE had dark skin, a BMW, came to church with me and was the BOSS. i mean really he had it all ( not so much) HE was really smooth though so it was easy to get distracted by it. We spent some time together but eventually these bank boys got to me. At one point i went on a first date with some one who wanted to share a meal, no big deal. BUT then the 2nd date came around and he called and asked me out. when we got there as we were standing in the ticket line for the movie he stepped back and said "ok...your turn to pay" i was so shocked at that i couldn't sit thru the entire movie. I eventually went into the bathroom and called Mr. Pop Culture. And can you believe even after that he had the nerve to ask for a kiss at my car ....uhhhh NOOOOOO. so though i had alot of fun stories and good lunches i needed to find someone with the same values as me. Eventually august came around, my lease was up and i headed for Utah, ROUND 2....here we go again.oh and P.S. somewhere after the time i got back from Italy i decided confessed my feelings again to Mr. Arizona once again with yet another rejection...i know i know...once isn't good enough right...ha ha

ITALIA...note 6

ahhhhh Italy. well my time in Italy was only intended for me to teach and learn from those amazing people and that is just what i did. No dating. it was a nice break to not have to worry about it all. I did have a couple proposals from Mario and Luigi (YES... THE super mario brothers...ha ha) but probably just because i was a young american girl there full of happiness and smiles. but really nothing of consequence in regards to dating happened in Italy except for a few whistles every once in awhile. i do remember one occasion. As we were leaving our house there was atleast a dozen sailors standing outside our door(We lived right on a main street by the ocean with all the ports) well of coarse they have to whistle and hiss at us...i mean seriously but this time i had enough. i walked right up to them and gave them a piece of my mind! i looked at them and said "what are you all starring at!" granted it was all in english and they all just stood there with a "this girl is crazy" look but atleast i said what i needed to say....i only wish that my italian would have been better at the time....but maybe it is better that it wasn't. I do tend to put my foot in my mouth too often when i am speaking in a language i am comfortable with. ha ha But really while in Italy i did met one of the greatest american friends i will ever know. he was tall and whitty but acted like a 40 year old in a 20 year old body...ha ha seriously, he was incredible. he too was there to teach and learn from the italian people. we were previlidged to be able to be in the same area doing service for about 6 months. so for those 6 months we began to build a friendship. Keep in mind we were NOT there to do anything more but teach. HE was able to turn my heart towards a different kind of love, the kind i referred to with Mr. canada . HE changed my outlook on having a good attitude. Sometimes it was hard being there feeling rejected by the people BUT his humor and positivity really got us through those moments. HE encouraged and Counciled. HE was honest and never compromised what he believed or knew to be right. A year or so later after Italy, it between some of my break ups with MR. FOREVER we had a couple encounters in Utah. Kind of like the ones that Mr. Florida and i had, you know the ones where you just have to "see" if there are any feelings but there aren't. In the end it was just our times in Italy that meant something to us. We do still speak today and he will remain someone who has changed my life for the better.He is married happily to a woman you fits him perfectly. so yet again he was just another experience to teach me exactly what i needed to know for the next one that would come and for who i am today. Thank you MR. ITALIA

LIFE CHANGING DECISION...note 5

When i moved back to Tennessee i really had no idea what i was going to do. Obviously working on my music career was at the top of my list but other than that i was clueless....Sure Mr. Arizona was around and of course Mr. Pop Culture. i don't know probably Mr. 65 too. Well there was one who affected me enough to make me see that i was about to make a life changing decision that would be a positive effect on the rest of my life. Let's call HIM Mr. Canada. I say this because HE was only meant to be in Nashville for a brief 2 years, long enough to change my life and everyone elses around him. HE taught me many things and helped open my heart to a new kind of love that i never new existed. A kind of love that i would learn to feel for the next year and a half of my life when i was in Italy. Let's talk about Mr. canada for a moment. HE was an amazing teacher. HE had a charm that could make anyone see what truth was. His stay in Tennessee ending right around the time mine was to begin in Italy but before that i decided to make a visit to Canada with him. While there HE told me truths i could have done without and i confessed things to him that never made a difference. i exposed all of my feelings only to end up with rejection. Some might wonder why i keep doing that. why do i keep confessing my secrets and my wishes only to get rejected a million times? of coarse it stings and makes you want to hide away for days....but i never regret any confession i have ever given because it has made me stronger and though my feelings change eventually at the time i will stand by what they are.anyway....Mr. Canada changed my out look on life and without his influence my heart would have never been turned to do what i went to do in italy. SO thank you Mr. Canada....As i sit and recount these stories that are absolutly true i realize how many of them have actually turned out to be positive experiences. I have been grateful for each one of these guys. They have each taught me somthing.Wether it was a big lesson or a small one. humorous or hurtful i still learned something. Though obviously none of them have worked out thus far in my life i am happy to be where i am today. If i would have stopped at any of them i would have never been able to be influenced by the next one.SO thank you to all of you for your kind rejections. There were many times i thought my heart would burst into a million little pieces and though it has slightly been bruised it is still here....waiting for an outcome of all these experiences, waiting for the one who stops it all.......

Utah round one...note 4

ok...so here i am. i wanted to move to utah. at this point it was early 2000 something...that should give you a good time line idea. YES! a new state full of opportunity. i moved to a fun area full of young people. i lived with some cousins and made some really good friends...my first go round with Utah i had some really fun experiences. Remember Mr. Florida? well during this same time he decided to make a move to Utah as well. So, i guess he decided i was worth spending some time with again. like i said...he would be back. ha ha of coarse he tried to kiss me again( i don't know, maybe he thought it would be a different feeling the 2nd time, thats happens a lot) i know right. remember the first time when he said he just wasn't interested? so confusing. so whatever. i took it because hey at the time i really thought he was the greatest thing. well, that was short lived and he eventually moved back to Florida again. so here i am in the happy state of Utah ready to give it a try.my heart opened wide. HE was a football player for the University. i mean it took a little while for my heart to kick in but after that HE got me with his humor there i was in the stands with my home made shirt with his number on the front! yeaaaa go team....ha ha so i watched and wished and waited.well right about the time i decided to make the big move back to Tennessee he began to turn his heart on. i mean come on! i had a music career to get back to! so before i realized what i was going to miss i packed up my things and was gone. i told him if his team ever played in the south i would be there to cheer him on. well i guess miles apart aren't always a good idea (or maybe they were) because when i left in august and moved back again in january i came back to him and a girlfriend. When Valentine's Day rolled around she walked up to me and showed me "THE RING" i could only assume after that i had been mentioned once or twice. i hear he is happy. good for him.so, i bounce back. though the next Utah man (let's call HIM Mr. "j") wasn't as funny as Mr. Football he was just as captivating. HE never actually asked me out on a date but we "hung out" a lot and to prove we were friends he gave me a kiss or 2...ha ha he would be back for a very brief moment in Utah round 2 but it didn't turn out to be a great experience so i will just leave that out.....i have no idea where he is now....i hear Las Vegas.Utah comes in a couple different sections. this early round wasn't terribly exciting. i wished for a lot more dates then i got and eventually moved back to Tennessee from Utah for the 2nd time........