through the static comes a friendship...note #3


so sometimes through all the failed attempts at finding someone who could be a match you find the one who becomes your one true friend for the rest of your life.....previous to moving to North Carolina i made a friend. Let's just call him Mr. Pop Culture :) so on leaving HE left as well to Las Vegas. we had become friends and honestly that is all that it was ever intended to be. after both returning to Nashville from our moves we became closer. we talked about everything, HE was my BFF. :) don't get me wrong for a moment there was a rush of that emotion with me and maybe for like half of a half of a second HE felt it too (i doubt it) but it wasn't meant to be that way so we continued forward. we Could laugh at people together, motivate eachother,share the love of music, dance the night away and complain together. HE honestly was and still is a really really good friend. I am so grateful for the formation of that friendship because here we are 10 years later and though thousands of thousands of miles keep us apart HE is the one i still share everything with. though we have had our hard months and big disagreements HE is still someone i trust. HE has been there through all of the frogs that never turned out and HE has always been the one to make me laugh. HE is honest and though it has stung at times i appreciate it. HE councils me and guides and helps me to see what the wiser choice would be. though i haven't always taken his advice i do appreciate it. though HE says the grossest things at times i know HE is a guy(Those things happen ha ha) so sometimes we get lucky enough along this journey to find those friendships that form with the opposite sex that just stay and are there forever.though HE never went to school to be a counciler i always thought HE should have. i will tell you there have been some days i wanted to scream "stay out of my business" but i am ever so grateful still .....and if we go more than a few days without a phone call i feel something is missing.HE knows me better than anyone.(except fot the the man that i am in love with)....mr. pop culture is famous or HE will be...HE is the best singer ever and HE is so motivated to reach his dreams no matter what anyone says. HE is a natural leader. HE can tell the funniest stories and maybe now that i think about it that is where i get being so sassy from. forming friendships with girls is easy but keeping and maintaining a friendship with a guy takes something special.so now that i have told that story you may here more about him along the way.back to the static of returning from north Carolina.during this time it is unclear the timing on everything.so with Mr. pop culture by my side we made some friends. i went on one date with a guy i swear was in the mofia. the one date we went on HE "forgot his wallet" thank goodness i brought mine. i mean HE ordered a steak and everything. GOOD GRIEF. i am a girl of independance but come on , if you invite me be prepared.so that was short lived. maybe once i went dancing with him somewhere downtown nashville but that isnt worth repeating. there was another as well that came along for a minute during this time. i can't even remember his name but we became penpals when he moved to ohio and i still have a poloraid of him floating around somewhere in my stuff. HE was very nice but at the time i wasn't ready to be a girl in charge and i think that is what HE required and i also didn't like the fact that while i drived my stick shift he insisted on holding my hand during.ha ha no..... so not so much luck during that time.i was able to make another friend during this time, or so i thought. interstate 65 in Nashville will always provoke a memory that makes me laugh. HE was someone i could talk to, laugh with and at and just feel comfortable around. that was soooo short lived. friendships changed and this one sure did. i don't know where HE got the idea but one night he was driving us some where and reached over and kissed me! while driving! on the freeway! in my mind at the time i think i was kinda into him so i thought okkkk. BUT it cursed us. his claws came out after, HE was rude and impatient and i felt the one to blame. so the friendship was over and years later when i have seen him i have still felt like he liked himself more than anyone else. now it is a funny memory and will always be a joke between mr. Pop culture and i but then it wasn't so much......i sincerly hope HE is happy.along this static another friend came along as well, this one made my heart pound and i felt HE could definitly be it. HE came from Arizona and like my very first story in note #2 he was in love with music (Thus his reason for a move to Nashville) we got along well and HE was as sweet as can be.kind, sincere and so talented. i learned alot from him and respect who HE is. those feelings that i felt blossomed into a bigger feeling than i anticapated and for the next couple years my heart was there for him. i would have done anything for him and at the time i did. i remember leaving something on his doorstep that HE stood in need of at the time. i felt an excitement because i was sacrificing and serving someone that i cared for. to this day i don't believe HE ever knew it was me but i don't know. though HE never gave me a chance i am grateful for that. now years later our paths are in 2 different places and though we had similiar dreams at the time mine have changed and his have not. i would like to thank him for never returning the emotion.i still consider him a friend and though we may see eachother maybe once a year. i hope that HE is happy. he seems that way.though i liked my life during this time i felt that i needed to make a change so some how i came up with the idea to move to the west. UTAH here i come! those couple years there were filled with some fun experiences. the best is yet to come.

ok...so let's take a break from my story and actually talk about "breaks" for a minute. I mean really. When someone says they want a break what do they actually mean? is it that they want an excuse to have freedom? or they actually can't stand looking at you at that time or what? they want it to be over but don't have the courage enough to actually say that? i am willing to bet that it could be any of those. but let me say something to the girls for a minute....LADIES if a man needs a break GIVE IT TO HIM. no man likes to be pushed or told what to do.TRUST ME. if you try then you will be sitting by yourself the very next weekend.even if he loves you a mans' freedom can never be touched(granted he should let it go a little) thats a promise. As mush as you would like to throw something at him for being the boss in the relationship you still must respect his wishes. So what do you do when he calls for one? well here are some options....first you could treat it like Ross did on "Friends" and take that break as an opportunity to go hook up with the one fantasy you have always wondered about OR put yourself into your work OR school OR just have the longest ladies night you have ever had and extend it out a week or so......OR you could clean everything out of your house and take it to charity or sell it on ebay. There are plenty of things to do when you are forced to take a break from the person you want to spend every moment with. You lived a life without him before, no problem leaving him out again. So remember GIVE HIM SPACE. even if it means having no one to tell your stories to at the end of the day or no one to support you in going to the gym or no one to tell you that you have worth......tell yourself that . we can do it and though it is amazing to have some one stand by your side to support you it doesn't mean that you can't do it alone for a few days......i am not a doctor...ha ha but i am a girl of experience and as i write this i also realize that i am learning at the same time that i share it with you.negativity attracts negativity and positivity attracts positivity. in the very moment i have decided to be hateful HE just as quickly turns on me so be careful. what? you need someone to talk you through it? oh call me i can help.....

17 AND FREE

SO...let me start at the beginning. well not the very beginning. I didn't have much of a dating life in high school and the ones i did interact with are not worth writing about because they just didnt have that much of an affect on me.so i graduated high school at the fun age of 17! yes...freedom.(well as much as you could have still living at your parents house) oh i was so ready to become an adult. i jumped into single life, hung out, met new people, was becoming the new me. my first memorable incounter post high school life didnt last very long but lets talk about why.REMEMBER i was 17. the summer after high school i went to a conference to meet lots of new singles.how brave of me. i came across one who seemed to peak my interest. i lived in nashville and at the time my life's ambition was to be a singer- song writer so when i found those who had the same goals and interests i was drawn to them. HE was awesome. He had a promising career in music, was funny, successful and so mature. WHY? well HE was 10 full years older than me. what was i thinking? what was HE thinking? so today let's see....yes that would make him 40 now. i must have been a very lovely 17 year old. needless to say it was a nice little summer experience that lead him into marriage the very next year. Good for him. i know what you are thinking but like i said before every experience is for our benefit. so i am sure i learned something that has been a positive addition to my character.saying that it leads me into my next step...18 gosh i was so much smarter. the next 3 years would turn out to be the longest and hardest 3 years of my life. no drama here. i am serious. and i am definitly NOT reffering to the 3 years i talked about in my LIFE LIKE A MOVIE note. HE has been a very pleasant 3 years despite the hold ups. no...back to my earlier 3 years (i know right, i must have this thing with 3 years) if someone would have told me i would have been treated the way that i was i would have never believed it. if HE ever read this i would hate to make him feel bad but let's be honest. HE was KING ISSUES.i could trace it back to how his father treated his mother. but i was 18 and niave and thought i could change anyone. HE had no proper teaching.no wonder HE treated me the way that HE did. it was one of those. even if i was right i was wrong. so for the next 3 years i lived like that. i took all the blame and i was always a failure.no matter my parents council i was the one who was right. (thank goodness today i listen to EVERYTHING my parents have to say) there was much much more to that 3 years that i will leave behind us but lets just say i gained thicker skin for it which has definitly helped me in later years. i ended up moving to the great state of north carolina. i guess running was my only option and when i returned to nashville i was able to move forward and push him to the side (God bless his soul today) lets go back to my 17th summer. During that time of finding my freedom i also met one who secretly stole my heart.oh HE didnt ask for it. i just gave it to him( a trait i see 10 years later i still pocess) HE was 23 living in nashville with his sister right from the sunny state of Florida. sure he wanted to hang out a couple times and after sneaking around my parents(because i was too young to date him...oops) i thought HE was great but it was short lived and HE went back to Florida. so for the next few years there was my secret crush - FLORIDA MAN. though he was my friend in and out of my life during 3 years boy i never really got over the idea of him. Later when i made the move to north carolina i met up with him for a fun filled weekend in atlanta. my dream come true! only for him to kiss me and say that say HE just wasn't interested....uh huh.HE will be back so depending on the amount of years you have known me you may be able to figure out who all these wonderful people are that i am making reference to. ha ha well it is a secret and if i ever intend to make my millions by sharing my every little secret then we must keep it this way. i would hate for some bitter embarrassed boy to come find me. everything i have said in this note and my previous note and all future notes have and will all be true.i write this down and share it with others only for the benefit of entertainment and maybe along the way i can teach somebody something. so sit back and enjoy.we have many more years ahead of us...and p.s. if you missed the first note go back and read....all these notes go hand in hand. you cant miss one and be careful if you have i found you somewhere along this path you might be referred to in a future note...

LIFE LIKE A MOVIE...GOING ON 30

So if anybody knows me well they know that i want to write a book. Well a book about my life experiences. Not that my life is that different than anyone else's. I just handle it a little different. My life is just as good as a movie. Every tragedy, funny moment or heartache really entertains. I didn't set out to make my life that way, it just is. HE tells me that i shouldn't compare my life to the movies so much but i am really not. I am just living a movie of my very own. My life could be characterized into so many genres, a comedy, a drama, and yes even a very good chick flick. I believe that i am having all of these experiences for my benefit. I am in love with a man and have been for almost 3 years. HE has been in love with me vocally for about 3 months. HE treats me so kind, shows me i am worth something, motivates me to be better, makes me feel safe, is the most honest person i know, would die for anyone, and i have never seen anyone with more potential the HE has. HERE'S THE CATCH...for 2 and a half years HE has never been sure enough that it IS enough to give me his last name. and there is where the heartache comes in...Yes most would say RUN! just run! but how do you walk away from a man that treats they way you have always wanted to be treated but doesn't have the gumption to commit? Where do you draw the line and when comes the year when you finally walk aways and leave everything you have built? If you saw me now and saw me 3 years ago you would see a completly different woman. i am now strong, motivated, compassionate and willing to give sushi a try....even 10 years ago at 20 if you looked at me you would see no resemblance at all...people change. I feel that i have the power to do and change almost anything except pursuade. Pursuade a man that every bit of laughter, all the tears, and all of our experiences have been worth building forever. Does HE ever catch a glimpse of me as his wife or as the mother of HIS children? MAYBE. Heaven only knows but i know i see that potential in him everyday.Everyone over the years have all given their opinions and i have greatly appreciated them. What is really comes down to is following my heart and listening to that voice even if it is telling me to do this just for the experience of what it is. So, i continue. No matter what anyone tells me, my heart will always win(keep in mind my brain has a huge part in my decision making) Along my path of "singleness" i have experienced many things. ask me for a story, they are all good :) I have been hurt many times, become bitter and angry but i have also been loved, been treated better than i deserve and been told how much worth and potential that i have.Whatever comes. If HE were to choose another over what we have become, there will be tears, and anger and depression and change and if HE chooses ME there will be tears and happiness and peace. but whatever it is ill will continue forward. I will forge ahead wether it is with my head held low for awhile or if it is with my head held high. I will still move forward. When you take out a thread of the fabric of your life it is bound to come apart but with that you have the ability over time to thread it back together into a fabric that is just as beautiful as the one before. it will just be different. OR you will commit to share everything with another and you have the opportunity to add another wonderful thread into your fabric to make it even stronger than it was before. Every moment is a lesson. Whether it hurts or makes you happy it is intended to build you. I am a wonderful woman but i know that my full potential will not be realized until do what i came here to do. Love may not be easy but i have never heard anybody ever say it was. The only thing i know is that it is worth it.